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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323245">We loved with a love that was more than love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandAwaitsUs/pseuds/NeverlandAwaitsUs'>NeverlandAwaitsUs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:01:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,961</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandAwaitsUs/pseuds/NeverlandAwaitsUs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They say when you find your true love, you are connected in a way that no one can explain. It’s a bond you two would share forever. JJ had been the one for you until one day, nothing was how it used to be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ (Outer Banks)/Original Female Character(s), JJ (Outer Banks)/Reader, JJ Maybank x Reader, JJ x reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>We loved with a love that was more than love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was inspired by a german song that I couldn’t stop thinking about It’s about a connection that goes deeper than the mind can even process. It was also about bloody time I write some angst again. I hope you enjoy (and maybe grab some tissues if you cry easily). Flashbacks in italics.</p><p>Warnings: Angst. Like, really angsty. Dark thoughts, non graphic suicide attempt if you want to call it like that</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, will you join us at the Boneyard tonight?” Kiara asked and looked over at you as you walked the hallway towards the exit of the building.</p><p>“I don’t know,” you said and bit your bottom lip, hands buried deeply in your pockets.</p><p>“Please, the others are coming too. You are always with him.” It pains Kiara to say it like that and she winces a little after she spoke those words, knowing they must have hurt you.</p><p>They did. It was always the same. Your friends had been understanding in the beginning, right after it had happened. You had spent so much time at the hospital with them, believing in all those reports that it helped but life had to go on.</p><p>Except for you. You felt like time simply had stopped for you while everyone was moving forward. They didn’t forget but they didn’t dwell on it, unlike you. But all the things that had happened, you just couldn’t move on. Not without him. </p><p>Whenever he was around you, it felt like you were finally able to breathe. You felt alive.</p><p>“What are you doing anyway all day long?” your best friend suddenly asked and you sighed.</p><p>“We’re together. That’s all that matters.” A painful expression was on your face, remembering how much time you’ve spent before actually doing something. Now it was mostly sitting around, cuddling a little, hoping that something would change.</p><p>It never did.</p><p>“I really think you should…” Kiara drifted off for a moment, thinking about how to phrase it. “I don’t know, I just can see it’s not good for you. One day, you have to-”</p><p>“See you tomorrow,” you said before she could say anything else. You forced a quick smile towards her before you took the exit and turned to the right, your feet knowing the way already because it was the same every day.</p><p>Same time, same steps, same direction. It had burned into your muscles and your soul.</p><p>Kiara looked after you with a sad expression on her face. She was worried about you but you didn’t want to hear it and in a way, she understood.</p><p>It didn’t take long for you to arrive at the hospital, the big brick building that had become your second home. Actually, you were quite convinced you’ve been here more than in your actual home.</p><p>Long gone was the time of having a great summer with your friends. Enjoying the beach, the waves, your life. It had been shattered into pieces within minutes and it was all your fault.</p><p>“Hey (y/n)! Everything alright?” one of the nurses said as you passed by and you gave her a nod with a soft smile.</p><p>All the nurses knew you by now. Many were friendly towards you, respecting your situation but others couldn’t help but look at you with pity in their eyes. It hurt when they looked at you like you were a lost cause, hoping for a miracle that would never happen.</p><p>You opened the familiar door and walked inside, greeted by the view of the sea. All your savings went into getting him this room, knowing how much he loved the sea. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn’t. Hearing the waves as soon as you opened the windows calmed you down and maybe, they would calm him too.</p><p>“I’m here,” you whispered as you went over to him, placing a soft kiss on his lips.</p><p>He looked exactly like the last time. Like all the last times you had been in here. Heavy machines all around him, beeping noises from time to time, connected to a lot of tubes that were keeping him alive.</p><p>You sat down onto the bed and looked at JJ, the love of your life.</p><p>It hurt to see him like that and you felt a tear falling down your eye. You had been coming here so often already and yet, you couldn’t stop yourself from crying. It has been too long without good news but as long as there was a spark of hope left in you, you would come here.</p><p>He would wake up again and then you would apologize to him for what you had done.</p><p>You took his hand in yours and slowly stroked over his skin, careful not to touch any of the tubes that were going into the back of his hand by accident.</p><p>The touch made you shiver slightly and you couldn’t help but think back, reminding yourself of a better time.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> You and JJ were running as fast as you could from Shoupe, the rain pouring down on you. Knowing the deputy, he would probably give up soon but you had to run anyway, for good measure. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When turning around a corner JJ suddenly grabbed your hand, pulling you into a small alley on the side, pressing his wet body against yours so you could even fit in there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You had to bite your bottom lip to stop yourself from laughing when you saw Shoupe running past the two of you, not even seeing the dark alley you had pressed yourself into. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> After a few more seconds you couldn’t stop yourself anymore and bursted out a laugh, leaning your head forward against JJ’s shoulder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Both of you were drenched, hair clinging to your faces.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Workout done for the day,” you said with a grin and looked up at him but the grin vanished from your lips when you saw the look in his eyes, like a wolf that had just found its prey. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Only now you realized the heat radiating from his body even though your clothes were cold and wet. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You swallowed hard when you saw how he leaned in even closer, pressing his body even more against yours than before. It was like you could feel every inch of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His breathing became faster and so did yours. It only took another blink of an eye before he leaned forward and pressed his wet lips against yours. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The way his lips were moving you could feel how insecure he was about this, so you reached around to his back and grabbed the wet shirt, pushing him against you, signaling him that you didn’t want to let him go. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He put his arms at the wall above you and it was a little awkward kissing like this but you made do. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You had a crush on him for quite some time now and it looked like he felt the same. Kiara had been bugging you for ages but you didn’t want to hear it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Looks like she had been right after all. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>You put your face on his chest, hearing his heart pound slowly in his chest.</p><p>The heart he gave you so happily.</p><p>His breathing was slow and steady and you missed the time where you could hear his breathing hitch when you were kissing him, pressing your body against his.</p><p>Being here made you sentimental but how couldn’t it? The two of you had experienced so much together and now here he was, frozen in time.</p><p>You hadn’t heard him speak for so long you were so afraid you’d forget what his voice sounded like.</p><p>Only last night you had been crying because you were slowly forgetting how it felt when he kissed you, how he said your name and you spent almost all night long watching videos of you two.</p><p>Being so close to him hurt you but was also the only thing that kept you alive. You only had to believe that he would wake up again, one day.</p><p>You wanted to hear him say your name again, you wanted to apologize, you wanted...him.</p><p>He was the only one that could make you happy.</p><p>Ever since he was in the coma, you had a longing inside of you. Sometimes you told yourself you wouldn’t come here because you knew you had to move on but every time you tried, your body had other plans.</p><p>Sometimes you wouldn’t even realize you were standing in front of the hospital until one of the nurses greeted you.</p><p>A sigh left your mouth and you got up from the chair you had been sitting on, turning around to look out of the window for a moment before you started to fix the flowers that were starting to wither. You really needed to bring new ones tomorrow because no one else did.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” you mumbled when you looked over him again, his beautiful face just an emotionless facade.</p><p>During the first few weeks you had looked at his face so long, hoping to see it twitch, hoping to see him suddenly smile and wake up from the state he was in.</p><p>He never did.</p><p>You hated yourself that you stole his smile and his laughter away. He once called you his reason of happiness and yet, you were the one that destroyed it with a foolish act of carelessness. </p><p>Your feet carried you outside of the room briefly, walking towards the common room to get a cup of coffee, hoping it would calm your nerves somehow.</p><p>It was the same every day, a routine you wished you hadn’t.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I don’t know how I deserve you”, he mumbled against your neck while you two were laying in your yard in the darkness, your eyes focused on the stars above you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Because you’re amazing?” you asked with a chuckle and felt how he placed soft kisses on your skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Some would disagree on that.” A sigh left his mouth and it made you shiver when his hot air reached your neck and you turned your head, now looking at him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You shifted a little on the blanket you had laid out, moving onto your side. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t care what other people say, JJ. I love you and I can’t wait to finish school so we can start a new life together,” you whispered and he grinned at you, moving forward to press a soft kiss on your lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He had always been the kind of guy that said he had no future, that he didn’t deserve one and he would probably end up in jail. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When the two of you became a couple, he had one leg already firmly placed in a cell, especially after taking the fall for Pope. It took a lot of convincing from your side to show him he was worth it. Worth having a future, worth having a good life despite everything he had done. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You had helped him with restitution, stopped him from doing criminal things whenever you could and you also convinced him to go back to school with you. He wasn’t stupid and actually very artistic but he never showed that side of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You helped him study, get back into school life and his grades weren’t too bad for someone who was known for skipping multiple weeks in a row. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You still going to prom with me?” he asked, a little unsure of himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Why would I back out?” you asked in return, a little frown on your forehead. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t know. Prom is a pretty big deal to some people. Wouldn’t be the best impression to show up there with me,” he mumbled, insecurity dripping from every word he said. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was hard to believe that the reckless young man was actually just an insecure mess on the inside. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You put a hand on his cheek and stroked it slightly with your thumb. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The smile he gave you was brighter than the stars above you. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After you returned to the clean hospital room you sat down in your chair again, reaching down into your bag to grab a chocolate bar out of there.</p><p>It was one of his favourites and he also tried to bribe you with a bite multiple times.</p><p>You swallowed hard when you unpacked it and broke off a part. It was also a thing you did a lot of times, bringing a bunch of stuff he liked, hoping he would somehow be able to smell or hear them.</p><p>You held the piece of chocolate bar close to his nose, moving it a bit, hoping he could smell it and react to it, deep inside of him. A sigh left your lips when you saw no reaction once again and you shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.</p><p>For a moment you simply looked at the piece of chocolate until you ate it, remembering how he fed you with it on your dates. They weren’t cheap but he was always able to bring them.</p><p>Money wasn’t something that came easily for him and yet, he would gladly spent it on you. That was probably one of many reason why you were spending all your money on him now.</p><p>Getting him the treatment he needed because his father couldn’t really afford it in the first place.</p><p>Your money had been the reason they were able to keep him alive for so long.</p><p>When you looked up at the clock you groaned, not realizing how much time had passed once again.</p><p>Sometimes it felt like time was frozen inside of here but you still had responsibilities. You packed your back, ate the last bit of chocolate bar and looked over him once again.</p><p>“I’ll be back tomorrow, same time as usual.”</p><p>
  <em> “I can’t wait to see your beautiful face again.” </em>
</p><p>His voice was ringing inside your mind, he would always say something like that when the two of you had to separate, even if it was just for ten minutes.</p><p>He had been so in love with you.</p><p>When you opened the heavy door you threw a last glance towards him before closing it behind you.</p><p>You leaned your back against the door and took a deep breath before walking towards the exit.</p><p>“(y/n)!”</p><p>The voice made you wince and you tried to act like you didn’t hear it.</p><p>“(y/n), please wait.”</p><p>The deep voice caught up to you and you stopped to turn around, seeing Luke’s face in front of you.</p><p>He had been the reason that JJ had been crying a lot of times while laying in your arms, late at night, not knowing if he could ever return home.</p><p>Luke had hated his son or that was it had always looked like but during the past few months, you had learned that Luke cared deeply about his son.</p><p>You couldn’t forgive him for all the pain he had caused JJ but you were in this together, somehow.</p><p>“Can we talk?” Luke asked and you sighed, nodding.</p><p>“Outside? I need air”, you suggested and he nodded, following you towards the garden of the hospital. </p><p>You chose a place where you were able to look up to JJ’s room, knowing he was still in there instead of joining the two of you, making things up with his father.</p><p>“You really don’t like me, do you? You always leave when I come here.”</p><p>A stupid question from him in your mind. Of course you didn’t like him much and he always came in at the same time, so you tried to leave before he could see you.</p><p>He wasn’t the most pleasant man to talk to but he came here quite often to see his son, checking on him a couple of times. Never as long or often as you did but you knew there must be some kind of love left, despite everything.</p><p>“I just like to be alone with him”, you let out with a sigh and bit your bottom lip, shifting from one foot to another.</p><p>You had no idea what Luke wanted from you but given the look on his face, it couldn’t be good.</p><p>“It’s been more than twenty months now and the doctors say-”</p><p>“You can’t do this. Don’t you dare to finish that sentence!” It blurted out of you like a sudden downpour of rain. You knew what he was going to say but you didn’t want to hear it.</p><p>It was your biggest fear and you couldn’t bear the thought of JJ being gone for good.</p><p>“He’s still alive in there, you know that!” you yelled and felt rage boiling up in you, mixing with the sadness you had been carrying around for all those months.</p><p>You wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to protect from something you didn’t even have a say in at the end.</p><p>“The doctors said there’s barely any chance left he wakes up. We’re keeping him alive for no reason. I know it hurts but at this point it’s a waste of money,” Luke said and took a step closer to you but you just took one back, wanting that space between the two of you.</p><p>“You’re calling your son a waste of money?” You could hardly believe your ears and clenched your jaw, wanting to just get away from here.</p><p>“No but you have to understand, life goes on, even without him. I don’t want to do this and I’m grateful for everything you have done for him but you’re not the only one suffering from this.” His words were filled with pain and it was moments like these that you saw that he loved his son dearly, deep down inside of him, when he wasn’t drunk.</p><p>You weren’t even sure if he had been drinking for a while now as you had always seen him sober lately.</p><p>In a way, he was right. They had kept JJ alive even through there was barely any hope left in the first place. Keeping him alive and draining any financial backup you and Luke had was a selfish act but you just couldn’t give JJ up.</p><p>He was the love of your life and you had no idea what to do without him.</p><p>“Listen, what happened back then, it wasn’t your fault,” Luke started another attempt and you had the urge to cover your ears.</p><p>It was your fault and you would never forgive yourself.</p><p>“So you just want to kill him?” you asked, changing the topic to the actual main issue.</p><p>“He is as good as dead. We don’t know if there’s anything left inside of him, the machines are keeping him alive, that’s all. And you...you are alive.” It was rare that Luke spoke so genuine to anyone. You could see the pain in his eyes and couldn’t stop a tear from escaping your eye.</p><p>He started to reach out to you put pulled his hand away.</p><p>“When?” you simply asked him, wrapping your arms tighter around yourself.</p><p>“Tomorrow.”</p><p>It was like a fist hit your face the moments the word left his mouth.</p><p>You let out a gasp mixed with a silent scream and turned around, walking the other way.</p><p>“(y/n)!” Luke called after you but you ignored it this time, just walking faster.</p><p>You had to get away from him, from this.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You look so beautiful,” JJ whispered into your ear as you left the school building. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You were wearing a beautiful dress and the night had been absolutely amazing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> First he had picked you up in a car that he borrowed, had dressed up in a suit just for the occasion. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You both had driven to school and enjoyed your prom, the last time you were together with all your classmates and friends before a new part of your life started. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A part that you wanted to spent with him. You had it all planned out and were ready for a future together. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You had danced and laughed almost all night long and it was a night you would never forget, you were sure of that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He had his arm wrapped around you as you walked towards the car, your legs a little wobbly form all the alcohol you had consumed all evening. Most of your classmates had smuggled in a bunch of beverages.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey, wait for us!” Sarah yelled from behind and came running towards you, one of her hands grabbing John B’s hand and the other one around a bottle. Only when she came closer you could see that it was champagne. </em>
</p><p><em> " </em> <em> Where did you snatch that?” you asked a little impressed. </em></p><p>
  <em> “From the teacher’s lounge but don’t tell anyone,” she said with a drunken giggle and John B let out a soft laugh. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The four of you got into the car with JJ on the wheel. It had been a surprise to you that he voluntarily didn’t want to drink too much so he could keep an eye on you all evening, pick you up and also drive you home safely but you really appreciated the sentiment. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So drop off at the Chateau?” JJ asked towards the backseat where Sarah and John B were sitting, opening up the bottle of champagne. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It would be quite the drive, first to the Chateau and then to your place so you had time to empty the bottle with the three of us. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You were laughing in the car and kept emptying the bottle, everyone except JJ of course but he kept laughing at your behavior. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sometimes he glanced over at you, watching how you drank from the bottle, how you laughed and he was sure in that moment that he had never seen someone as beautiful as you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The world around you was dark and it was just you and your friends, having a great time together. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You kept making faces at Sarah on the backseat when you turned to look at JJ, catching him staring at you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A soft smile replaced the bright grin and your heart started to beat faster, you loved this boy more than anything else in the world. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> After checking the road briefly you leaned over to him, staring at his lips and he got the clue. The moved his eye away from the street for a moment, pressing his lips against yours into a kiss so full of love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was a kiss that would destroy your life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A flash of light in front of you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The loud honking of a truck in front of you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Darkness. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Your throat was closed up when the memories were flashing in front of your eyes.</p><p>It was your fault for wanting to kiss him.</p><p>It was your fault your friends got hurt.</p><p>It was your fault the love of your life would die tomorrow.</p><p>JJ had been comatose ever since, his injuries were worse than any of the others.</p><p>Sarah and John B had been lucky to be on the backseat, getting out of the wreck to call for help.</p><p>You had been out for a couple of days but when you woke up your first thought was JJ.</p><p>Your world had been shattered into pieces when you found out what you had done.</p><p>Tears were flowing down your face while you were running. You just wanted to get away from here, from this place, from everything.</p><p>It had started to rain and the wind was blowing roughly, making you shiver. Every raindrop felt like a punch to the face and you didn’t know how you were going to handle any of this.</p><p>Without really realizing it you were on the ferry to the mainland which was really empty due to the weather.</p><p>You went toward the railing and looked down the water, thoughts raising in your mind and getting darker every second.</p><p>Without him you saw no point in going on. He had been the one for you and you wouldn’t be able to be able to breathe without him. You needed him like air.</p><p>You shook your head and drew your head away from the water, the sun already setting already on the horizon. Your lips felt dry and you had no idea where you were going.</p><p>Luke’s word were in your head while you walked off the ferry, wandering towards a destination you didn’t even think of. You knew no one on the mainland, you life was in Outer Banks.</p><p>People were looking at you as you walked past them, tears running down your face, clothes wet as you were walking without an umbrella but no one said a word.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Please, he needs to wake up! Do something!” you yelled as the doctors came in, you couldn’t take it anymore. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seeing him like this hurt you and you felt Kiara place a hand on your shoulder, holding you back from jumping towards the doctors. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You need to leave,” one of the doctors said with sadness in his voice. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m gonna do shit!” You were so angry at everything because you didn’t want to let the sadness in. JJ had always loved when you were feisty. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “(y/n), please. They can’t help him like this,” John B said with a sigh and Pope gave a nod in agreement. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It had been the first time you all had been allowed to visit but it had only been half a hour that they gave you. He still needed treatment, his face was covered in wounds like his whole body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He seemed so broken and lost and you swallowed hard while your friends dragged you outside so the doctors could work. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s all my fault,” you whimpered as you slided down the wall, putting your head in your hand. “Look what I have done to him.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It was an accident,” Pope said and crouched down next to you, giving you a small smile.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “He’s gonna be fine just like the rest of us,” John B said and raised his casted arm with a smirk that you couldn’t return. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Your chest slowed down a little, your breathing a little more even and yet, you couldn’t forgive yourself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’ll wait for you, JJ. I’ll do everything I can,” you whispered to yourself but your friends heard you too. They all looked at each other with a worried look on their face. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Your clothes were drenched in cold rain by now, your body was shivering, your hair clinging to your face and yet, you couldn’t find yourself to care about any of this.</p><p>
  <em> “Tomorrow.” </em>
</p><p>You wanted to hit your head against something, hoping to get this word out of your head. Why couldn’t they wait, just a little longer, just a little more.</p><p>JJ was a fighter, had always been and will always be one and yet, they just wanted to turn the machines off.</p><p>You didn’t care about what the doctors said, miracles were a thing. A lot of people got better without that any doctor had an explanation.</p><p>The sound of church bells made you look up and you turned around, looking at the down you had just walked past.</p><p>It was midnight already.</p><p>Tomorrow had come.</p><p>A sob left your mouth and you shook your head, your legs carrying you even further away from Outer Banks.</p><p>
  <em> Paradise on earth my ass. </em>
</p><p>It had been but what was paradise without him? Not more than a simple word without meaning.</p><p>You stopped when walking a bridge, the loud noise of a train coming towards you. The ground trembled beneath you when it passed by and you swallowed hard, your thoughts darkening once more.</p><p>Your hands were gripping the wet railing as you leaned over it slightly, looking down into the darkness. The lamps were pretty far away from here so you could barely see a thing.</p><p>You didn’t want to be without him.</p><p>They could kill him today.</p><p>JJ would be gone for good and it was your fault.</p><p>Without realizing it you had climbed past the railing but still held on, the wind blowing dangerously.</p><p>If he wouldn’t be able to stay in this world, you didn’t want either. You believed your love was strong enough and you would be able to find each other again, in another life.</p><p>Your breathing got heavy, fear was creeping up inside of you, darkness clouding your mind.</p><p>You were so desperate and couldn’t forgive yourself.</p><p>If you wouldn’t have been so selfish he would still be okay. He would still laugh and smile and have a future with you.</p><p>And now you were selfish again, running away instead of saying him goodbye but how could you watch how they turned the machines off? Just the idea of hearing how they went quiet, marking the second his heartbeat stopped for good was making your stomach turn.</p><p>A foot was dangling over the edge already when suddenly, your phone rang. Probably your parents who were worried sick.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” you mumbled against the wind, tears flowing even more down your face.</p><p>The phone kept ringing.</p><p>“Shut up”, you said weakly as if that would make it stop.</p><p>It was quiet for a moment.</p><p>You took a deep breath.</p><p>Another round of ringing started.</p><p>“Shut up!” you yelled loudly this time, shaking your head, trying to get that sound out of your head, not even knowing if you still meant your phone or the thoughts whispering to you.</p><p>You didn’t need the idea right now that someone was worried about you, that someone would miss you, that someone was begging you not to do it.</p><p>The sound was driving you insane so you placed the foot back on solid ground, grabbing your phone with one hand and making sure to hold onto the railing with the other one.</p><p>You accepted the call of an unknown number and held it to your ear, heart pounding so much in your chest you weren’t sure if you’d even be able to hear something else.</p><p>It felt like an eternity that was passing while you tried to listen to the words said on the other line but there was only one thing you were able to hear clearly:</p><p>“He’s awake.”</p>
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